Monday, March 4, 2013

500 miles

It has been a fuck ton of months since my last confession and I am feeling very heavy-hearted today.  So when better to make it public that you are super miserable.  According to the world I should be happy.  I am broke, no house, job, car, significant other but I have a wonderful daughter, a great support system and I don't live in Africa.  I appreciate those things, but it is so incredibly hard to stay positive when you are constantly fighting with yourself.

  Head VS Heart.
 (Although, I am thoroughly convinced that my liver is a 3rd party in all of this.)

  I just want to feel comfort.  I never realized how hard it is to do that when someone took the time to make you feel so on edge all the while beating your walls down.  Let me tell you something may have only been 3 years to you, but you have made it impossible for me to trust anyone.  So while you are out spreading your seed and living your life, as crappy as it is,  I am punishing people for the mistakes that you have convinced me are typical and I am punishing myself by letting you still have a voice in my head.  I live everyday feeling like a terrible mother, scared that I am wanting too much for myself and not considering her feelings enough, even though I plan everything around her.  I feel like I am an anchor to everyone that I care about.  I miss parts of myself that I can't get back.  It feels amazing.  Only 3 years.  3 YEARS to destroy every bit of confidence, self worth and sanity that I had left.   I have so much to fix, so many pieces to pick up.  Not only mine, but Ryleigh's, too.  

Good thing I have always been good at puzzles.

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