2015

I find myself in the most awkward stage of my life so far, since middle school, at least.  My late 20's.  It is official, folks.  In four days I will be 28.  For those of you in your 30's, 40's and 50's, sitting there rolling your eyes and cursing my name because, "28 isn't even that bad."  You're right.  It isn't bad.  I'm not THAT old.  I don't have any plans to go secure a grave plot for myself or just go ahead and let the gray hair do it's thing.

Now, is the time where I start worrying about shit I need to do that I haven't done yet.  Cry over my lost youth and about how I am, "Nowhere near where I thought I would be at 28."  Only for maybe the first week, though.  Then I will cope, dust myself off and go back to the wonderful world of adulthood.

Shit, up to this point, has been a challenge.  Nothing like a 4 year old to remind you that you aren't as young as you thought you were...or that you're fat, your boobs are big and that you are just overall old and lumpy.  That's okay, because I already knew those things about myself, but I still have years and YEARS to gather ammunition to use against her.  It will be glorious.

Many things have changed since I started this little blog.

• Moved at least 5 times
• Got divorced
• Coped with divorce
• Got a job
• Drank A LOT
• Dated/Bedded a couple of douche bags
• Realized the error of my ways
• Stopped drinking as much
• Got a boyfriend
• Lost said job
• Lost a ton of friends because people are shady as fuck
• Moved on with my life

Granted, some times I find it hard to breathe, be it anxiety or poor health conditions, but I find also that it gets easier when you take people and things out of the equation when they have no business being there in the first place.  Times are tough and they are not going to get any easier.  I will probably still complain about things I can't control.  I will still help people, even though I know better. Those are just simply flaws in my character that I won't change. What I hope to gain from being, "Older but wiser," is the ability to maybe complain a little less and help in a different way.

I'll still dream and make plans for more awesome things to come.  I have high hopes for 28.

Don't you dare forget the sun, Love.

As a woman, I am guilty of putting everyone ahead of myself.  It is in our nature, unless we luck out and grow up to be a narcissistic bitch with no moral compass.  Sometimes I wish. 

I find myself envious....of everything/everyone.  I want love so badly.  I mean real, honest love.  I am most certainly looking to the wrong person for this, but I have no clue what I am doing.  Studies show that about 30,000 people fall in love each day...this has to be true because I googled it.  I don't have to ask what I am doing wrong, I already know.  But why can't I stop?  That is the real mystery.  I am not unlovable.  I am beautiful, independent, strong and getting more and more awesome with age.  I am not even that dramatic unless I feel like I have honestly been wronged.  Where in the fucking world is a man/woman who would be proud to love me just as hard as I tend to love.  I don't have many things of value monetarily, but I have a huge heart.  Too big for someone like me.  I finally found a way to love myself and I need that returned.

Maybe one day when I am 60 and still alone...because I hate cats...I can open up this blog and find the answers I have been searching for all along.

If you're out there, here I am.  Unless you are creepy...then you should look anywhere else, but here.  You probably want that guy -------------> over there -------------->

Studies show that about 30,000 people fall in love each day - See more at: http://www.chacha.com/question/how-many-people-fall-in-love-every-day#sthash.Or7m7aCK.dpuf

Studies show that about 30,000 people fall in love each day - See more at: http://www.chacha.com/question/how-many-people-fall-in-love-every-day#sthash.Or7m7aCK.dpuf

Studies show that about 30,000 people fall in love each day - See more at: http://www.chacha.com/question/how-many-people-fall-in-love-every-day#sthash.Or7m7aCK.dpuf

Studies show that about 30,000 people fall in love each day - See more at: http://www.chacha.com/question/how-many-people-fall-in-love-every-day#sthash.Or7m7aCK.dpuf

Studies show that about 30,000 people fall in love each day - See more at: http://www.chacha.com/question/how-many-people-fall-in-love-every-day#sthash.Or7m7aCK.dpuf

Studies show that about 30,000 people fall in love each day - See more at: http://www.chacha.com/question/how-many-people-fall-in-love-every-day#sthash.Or7m7aCK.dpuf

Bright lights and Silver linings.

Today has been an emotional roller coaster.  Few will understand because only a few friends actually read this.  The rest of you are strangers who know only what I have told you and that I never commit to writing when I say I will.  My blog has more views than I realized, and I thank you.

So here is the latest epiphany.  I am too big for Greenville.  Not big like fat, though...big, as in I don't belong here.  My heart is somewhere else.  I couldn't say where, but this isn't it.  I want to fall in love with life and remember what it is like not to be so grouchy.  Too many people as of late have told me that I am not the same person I was a few months ago.  I'm not as "perky," or "chipper," at work.  Probably because I am so fed up with people treating other people like garbage.  WAKE UP!!!  We all work at the same place, and trust me when I say that just because you are the head of your department doesn't make you superior to ANYONE outside of the work place.  You may be "important" to an extent at work, but outside of those walls, you aren't shit. 

Anywho, I have big plans.  Plans that will help me grow and build my relationships with people that I give a fuck about.  My heart is much too large, but I have come to terms with the fact that no matter what my brain tells me to do my heart is the boss.  I want to travel, go to school, fall in love, build a strong foundation so that when Ryleigh is old enough to start her journey, she will have a strong place to start from.  There is more to this world, than working at a dead end job and living paycheck to paycheck.  If you want to stop and smell the roses, the best garden to start in is the one you grew yourself.

I didn't get a chance to blog yesterday, so I will over compensate by posting twice today.  I started my new job yesterday and even after an emotional morning, it still went well.  My "emotional" mornings seem to be way more frequent these days.  Hence why I knew it was a bad idea to start dating.  My focus has been a little off.  I have decided that no matter what happens from here I won't get consumed again.  Guys haven't done much for me thus far, why assume that will change now?  

Stupid girl.

  In any case, this isn't about boys, this is about how bad ass I am.  Work was great.  The women I work with take smoke breaks and bitch about the useless people in their lives just like I do.  I will probably fit in amazingly.  I never realized that scrubs, though they look fantastic and comfortable, are extremely restricting if you have huge boobs.  My shoes are pretty awful, too.  But I got keys.  It is pretty liberating to have a set of keys that gets you into special rooms.  "Ohhh you want to get into the kitchen?  Sorry, we are closed, but I would be more than willing to unlock the door for you when you are allowed to be in here."  Mild power trip.  It feels really great to be back in a job situation and away from home, that way my daughter is forced to miss me and want me around haha.  

Great things are going to happen soon.  I can feel it.

Day 2 of my blogging commitment.  Seems promising.  So today I went to my appointment with a counselor, and though it wasn't the one I was suppose to see, I think I was SUPPOSE to see him.  He was very laid back and didn't mind my somewhat foul mouth (I toned it down for the session.)  It was refreshing to be able to open up to someone who wasn't bias.  He didn't know me, I wasn't paying him.  I just walked in sat down, answered a few questions and chit chatted about my interests, skills, medication, drinking, divorce and life situations.  I walked to the appointment and then back home again, listening to music and enjoying the sun.  I haven't felt so relaxed in a while.  I wasn't thinking about dudes, or drinking.  No worries about my life and all of the things that need mending.  I just listened to the music and sang the songs I knew all of the words to.  I want to get back to the things that I enjoy, drawing and singing mostly.  I need someone to play the guitar for me that will bear with the fact that I haven't REALLY sang in a long time and that I smoke haha.  I feel like I still have the talent, I just need to get past the anxiety that comes with singing in front of people.  It will probably be good for me.  For those of you who follow me regularly sorry that this is so mild.  This is for you:

shit

piss

fuck

cunt

cocksucker

motherfucker

tits

fart

turd 

and

twat

500 miles

It has been a fuck ton of months since my last confession and I am feeling very heavy-hearted today.  So when better to make it public that you are super miserable.  According to the world I should be happy.  I am broke, no house, job, car, significant other but I have a wonderful daughter, a great support system and I don't live in Africa.  I appreciate those things, but it is so incredibly hard to stay positive when you are constantly fighting with yourself.

  Head VS Heart.

 (Although, I am thoroughly convinced that my liver is a 3rd party in all of this.)

  I just want to feel comfort.  I never realized how hard it is to do that when someone took the time to make you feel so on edge all the while beating your walls down.  Let me tell you something motherfucker...it may have only been 3 years to you, but you have made it impossible for me to trust anyone.  So while you are out spreading your seed and living your life, as crappy as it is,  I am punishing people for the mistakes that you have convinced me are typical and I am punishing myself by letting you still have a voice in my head.  I live everyday feeling like a terrible mother, scared that I am wanting too much for myself and not considering her feelings enough, even though I plan everything around her.  I feel like I am an anchor to everyone that I care about.  I miss parts of myself that I can't get back.  It feels amazing.  Only 3 years.  3 YEARS to destroy every bit of confidence, self worth and sanity that I had left.   I have so much to fix, so many pieces to pick up.  Not only mine, but Ryleigh's, too.  

Good thing I have always been good at puzzles.

Motherfucking Motherfuck.

Let me just cut to the chase, I am getting a divorce.  A 25 year old, single mother of a 2 year old.  It has only been a few months since the actual separation, but it has been over for a long time.  I feel ruined.  A friend of mine put my feelings into one word.  "Unimpressed."  It seems pretty accurate.  I could add a few more things, like emotionally blocked and completely turned off.  I have attempted to talk to a few guys since the split and for whatever reason they are under the impression that I am going to "chase" them when they decide not to talk to me anymore.  NEWS FLASH MOTHERFUCKERS:  I am not that easy.  I may need to get laid, but I sure as shit don't need to make you dinner to get it.  I don't make things awkward even when they are.  So when you aren't cool enough to still hang out when we have a weird "friends with benefits" moment, then it is your fucking loss.  I stress myself out so much trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me and I can't quite put my finger on it, but it may have something to do with the higher value I put on my heart.  I won't settle on some loser who who can't take a joke.  You have a job?  Super.  You live on your own?  Great.  You have the personality of wet cardboard and you want me to do what?  Get the fuck out of here.  I don't have time to play games.  I have a 2 year old little girl who already thinks a dad is someone who visits on weekends, plays for a few hours and leaves.  We are important.  We are more important than my needs, that is for sure.