Saturday, November 12, 2011

It has been quite some time since my last confession

  • I confess that I am broke
  • I confess that I am in fear of losing the apartment
  • I confess that I am in fear of having utilities shut off
  • I confess that in order to keep myself from crying in front of my child and husband, I stay up late and watch depressing Indie films.
  • I confess that sometimes I wish, hope and even pray that things will just miraculously get better if I give change to people who need change, reach things for people who can't reach them, donate things even if we really don't have anything to give.
  • I confess that sometimes I even cry when I see people on the side of the road walking and we can't give them a ride.

In confessing all of these things I don't want any of you to forget that I am still tough as nails and more hardcore than your grandma.  I wish that I could just do enough good deeds to get us through a couple of months, but I know Karma only really works if they are selfless.  There is always a catch.  Not that I am not willing to help people out for no reason, but I would appreciate the same kindness from time to time myself.  In all of my years of not living at home with my parents I think that this is the lowest I have ever felt.  Mostly because there is a child involved.  I use to hate holidays as a teen because that is just what teenagers do, now I hate them because it breaks my heart no to be able to give my daughter everything that I want her to have.  People say, "Well you give her a roof over her head, food in her mouth and clothes on her back.  That is all she needs other than your love." Well I guess it would be a bitter response if I said, "We are lucky to know by the first of the month if she will REALLY have a roof over her head, the only reason she has food in her mouth is because the government assists us, she barely has any warm clothes and we are so fucking poor and concerned with rent and bills that we cant even afford to buy her clothes from Goodwill." 

Instead I just smile and assure myself that where there is a will, there is a way.