Thursday, March 7, 2013

I didn't get a chance to blog yesterday, so I will over compensate by posting twice today.  I started my new job yesterday and even after an emotional morning, it still went well.  My "emotional" mornings seem to be way more frequent these days.  Hence why I knew it was a bad idea to start dating.  My focus has been a little off.  I have decided that no matter what happens from here I won't get consumed again.  Guys haven't done much for me thus far, why assume that will change now?  

Stupid girl.

  In any case, this isn't about boys, this is about how bad ass I am.  Work was great.  The women I work with take smoke breaks and bitch about the useless people in their lives just like I do.  I will probably fit in amazingly.  I never realized that scrubs, though they look fantastic and comfortable, are extremely restricting if you have huge boobs.  My shoes are pretty awful, too.  But I got keys.  It is pretty liberating to have a set of keys that gets you into special rooms.  "Ohhh you want to get into the kitchen?  Sorry, we are closed, but I would be more than willing to unlock the door for you when you are allowed to be in here."  Mild power trip.  It feels really great to be back in a job situation and away from home, that way my daughter is forced to miss me and want me around haha.  

Great things are going to happen soon.  I can feel it.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Day 2 of my blogging commitment.  Seems promising.  So today I went to my appointment with a counselor, and though it wasn't the one I was suppose to see, I think I was SUPPOSE to see him.  He was very laid back and didn't mind my somewhat foul mouth (I toned it down for the session.)  It was refreshing to be able to open up to someone who wasn't bias.  He didn't know me, I wasn't paying him.  I just walked in sat down, answered a few questions and chit chatted about my interests, skills, medication, drinking, divorce and life situations.  I walked to the appointment and then back home again, listening to music and enjoying the sun.  I haven't felt so relaxed in a while.  I wasn't thinking about dudes, or drinking.  No worries about my life and all of the things that need mending.  I just listened to the music and sang the songs I knew all of the words to.  I want to get back to the things that I enjoy, drawing and singing mostly.  I need someone to play the guitar for me that will bear with the fact that I haven't REALLY sang in a long time and that I smoke haha.  I feel like I still have the talent, I just need to get past the anxiety that comes with singing in front of people.  It will probably be good for me.  For those of you who follow me regularly sorry that this is so mild.  This is for you:


Monday, March 4, 2013

500 miles

It has been a fuck ton of months since my last confession and I am feeling very heavy-hearted today.  So when better to make it public that you are super miserable.  According to the world I should be happy.  I am broke, no house, job, car, significant other but I have a wonderful daughter, a great support system and I don't live in Africa.  I appreciate those things, but it is so incredibly hard to stay positive when you are constantly fighting with yourself.

  Head VS Heart.
 (Although, I am thoroughly convinced that my liver is a 3rd party in all of this.)

  I just want to feel comfort.  I never realized how hard it is to do that when someone took the time to make you feel so on edge all the while beating your walls down.  Let me tell you something may have only been 3 years to you, but you have made it impossible for me to trust anyone.  So while you are out spreading your seed and living your life, as crappy as it is,  I am punishing people for the mistakes that you have convinced me are typical and I am punishing myself by letting you still have a voice in my head.  I live everyday feeling like a terrible mother, scared that I am wanting too much for myself and not considering her feelings enough, even though I plan everything around her.  I feel like I am an anchor to everyone that I care about.  I miss parts of myself that I can't get back.  It feels amazing.  Only 3 years.  3 YEARS to destroy every bit of confidence, self worth and sanity that I had left.   I have so much to fix, so many pieces to pick up.  Not only mine, but Ryleigh's, too.  

Good thing I have always been good at puzzles.