500 miles

It has been a fuck ton of months since my last confession and I am feeling very heavy-hearted today.  So when better to make it public that you are super miserable.  According to the world I should be happy.  I am broke, no house, job, car, significant other but I have a wonderful daughter, a great support system and I don't live in Africa.  I appreciate those things, but it is so incredibly hard to stay positive when you are constantly fighting with yourself.

  Head VS Heart.

 (Although, I am thoroughly convinced that my liver is a 3rd party in all of this.)

  I just want to feel comfort.  I never realized how hard it is to do that when someone took the time to make you feel so on edge all the while beating your walls down.  Let me tell you something motherfucker...it may have only been 3 years to you, but you have made it impossible for me to trust anyone.  So while you are out spreading your seed and living your life, as crappy as it is,  I am punishing people for the mistakes that you have convinced me are typical and I am punishing myself by letting you still have a voice in my head.  I live everyday feeling like a terrible mother, scared that I am wanting too much for myself and not considering her feelings enough, even though I plan everything around her.  I feel like I am an anchor to everyone that I care about.  I miss parts of myself that I can't get back.  It feels amazing.  Only 3 years.  3 YEARS to destroy every bit of confidence, self worth and sanity that I had left.   I have so much to fix, so many pieces to pick up.  Not only mine, but Ryleigh's, too.  

Good thing I have always been good at puzzles.

Motherfucking Motherfuck.

Let me just cut to the chase, I am getting a divorce.  A 25 year old, single mother of a 2 year old.  It has only been a few months since the actual separation, but it has been over for a long time.  I feel ruined.  A friend of mine put my feelings into one word.  "Unimpressed."  It seems pretty accurate.  I could add a few more things, like emotionally blocked and completely turned off.  I have attempted to talk to a few guys since the split and for whatever reason they are under the impression that I am going to "chase" them when they decide not to talk to me anymore.  NEWS FLASH MOTHERFUCKERS:  I am not that easy.  I may need to get laid, but I sure as shit don't need to make you dinner to get it.  I don't make things awkward even when they are.  So when you aren't cool enough to still hang out when we have a weird "friends with benefits" moment, then it is your fucking loss.  I stress myself out so much trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me and I can't quite put my finger on it, but it may have something to do with the higher value I put on my heart.  I won't settle on some loser who who can't take a joke.  You have a job?  Super.  You live on your own?  Great.  You have the personality of wet cardboard and you want me to do what?  Get the fuck out of here.  I don't have time to play games.  I have a 2 year old little girl who already thinks a dad is someone who visits on weekends, plays for a few hours and leaves.  We are important.  We are more important than my needs, that is for sure. 

Up to my eyes in shit.

So I didn't get a chance to write yesterday because I was up all night cleaning.  As I put in my last blog entry I have a hoarding problem and I was expecting Orkin to come because ever since our neighbors moved we have had a bit of a pest problem.  Just one more reason for me to hate them.  But yeah, I wanted to stay up and get things in order because I don't want pesticide on my dead animals or on my crystal dinnerware stacked up on my Van Gogh.  (I really do over do it on the visuals, but it really isn't that bad haha.  I live in a one bedroom with a toddler and his daughter...........................LOL!)  But I totally over did myself and turns out they gave me the wrong day >.< Fucking assholes.  Not that I didn't need to clean.  Every now and again I get in turbo cleaning mode and can clean the whole place in a few hours.  Last night was NOT the case.  I have a sleeping problem so I don't go to bed until 5 a.m. most of the time anyways but normally I just waste that time watching Netflix and relaxing til I fall asleep.  Needless to say I can barely read what I am typing through my slanty, asian eyes.  But after all of this I have coped with the fact that I could have taken my time.  One thing that I cannot cope with is my daughters newly found scat problem.  For the second time this week she has had a poo party and forced me to scream in fear of her making poo to skin contact with my newly touched up tattoo.  It has been so bad that I just put her in the shower with her diaper on, rinse her off and then draw her a bath so I can "cool down."  Today that was a bad idea because she has decided things on my shelf belong in the bath also.  Victim of the day was a new roll of toilet paper.  Where was that idea when she was smearing shit all over herself?  Bleh. 

So that has pretty much been my day.  I just need to get out of the house and have a drink.  I will be 25 soon and I cant end my early twenties like this.  Depressed, tired and broke.  I need realistic goals.  None of this losing 100lbs in two weeks or getting plastic surgery to look like Barbara Walters.  Maybe something like get through the week without killing someone.  Haha lets face it, that is even hard for me to accomplish.  Today I will say goodbye to sodas.  That seems like a decent start.  If you see me out in public and I am downing a nice frosty root beer please take it upon yourself to punch me in the face.  This even counts towards mixed beverages.  From here on out I will just use juice, milk or other types of booze.  I feel like this might be doable :)  Wish me luck just in case I end up being weak.

Piss and Vinegar

I found myself in a very fiery mood this evening/early morning.  Typing things, saying things.  It is nearly impossible for me to locate my filter when I am like this.  Maybe I need a diva cup for my verbal overflow.   Kayla will most likely laugh at that when she reads it, haha PUSSY CHECK!

So I thought I would take a little bit of time to talk about a few things that really piss me off.  I would like to start off with the fact that my old ass computer likes to go to screen saver mode when I am mid paragraph.  Fuck you HP.  Okay, now on to my proper list of piss offs:

• People who are verbally abusive but cant spell.  My list of issues goes on and on with this one.
• The urge to pee when you are only half way up the stairs, your arms are full and the door is locked.
• Having to take the time to get your hoodie off and set your phone down before you go to the bathroom.
• Wearing hoodies to the bathroom.
• Noticing that someone moved the toilet paper far away from where it really needs to be.
• People with bathroom issues (haha, I didn't realize what a problem I have.)
• Know-it-alls.  Eat shit.
• Self created debt.
• Being broke from paying off said debt.
• Not having any canning jars.
• My inability to get drunk and maintain it properly.
• The fact that even tho I know "a lot" is two words but I still put them together.
• Being a procrastinator with a craft habit.
• Not having enough time for myself.
• Having alot of really bad habits.
• Look ^up^ see what I am talking about?
• Keeping in contact with people, not because we are friends, but to be nosey and pick out more shit to have pet peeves about.

There are so many other things that I could list.  I probably will considering I plan to blog every day from now on.  If you want to know more about me, then read my blog.  I'm am kind of a dick.

Here are a few tid bits before I go:

I have a BINGO problem..

• Mystie ZomBeauty Taylor

  • I was like...Dara you better call it. I don't want some degenerate winning!
• 
  

  about an hour ago

  Dara Cardwell

  • ahahahahahahahahah lol
• 
  

  about an hour ago

  Mystie ZomBeauty Taylor

  • I was like standing at my computer shaking the screen and slamming my keyboard
  • with a bloody nose
• 
  

  about an hour ago

  Dara Cardwell

  • omg
  • goofy
  • hahahahhaahhaha
  • you're hilarious
• 
  

  about an hour ago

  Mystie ZomBeauty Taylor

  • I made myself laugh so hard
• 
  

  about an hour ago

  Dara Cardwell

  • HHAHAHAHA

• 
  

  about an hour ago

  Mystie ZomBeauty Taylor

  • I sounded like a coke head with roid rage
• 
  

  about an hour ago

  Dara Cardwell

  • i'm going to bed!
  • yes you did
  • hahahaha
• 

  about an hour ago

  Mystie ZomBeauty Taylor

  • Who was watching a football game
  • bahaha Night!

    
    

    
    
    
    
    
    
    I also have a hoarding problem...

    
    
    

    Tiffini Rene Coker

    Hoarders make me sick

    
    about an hour ago
    Mystie ZomBeauty Taylor

    You know if you are going to be like that I am never inviting you over for dinner again

    

    I told you that I would make you an eating tray out of dead cats so that you didnt have to eat over my dirty clothes and antiques

It has been quite some time since my last confession

• I confess that I am broke
• I confess that I am in fear of losing the apartment
• I confess that I am in fear of having utilities shut off
• I confess that in order to keep myself from crying in front of my child and husband, I stay up late and watch depressing Indie films.
• I confess that sometimes I wish, hope and even pray that things will just miraculously get better if I give change to people who need change, reach things for people who can't reach them, donate things even if we really don't have anything to give.
• I confess that sometimes I even cry when I see people on the side of the road walking and we can't give them a ride.

In confessing all of these things I don't want any of you to forget that I am still tough as nails and more hardcore than your grandma.  I wish that I could just do enough good deeds to get us through a couple of months, but I know Karma only really works if they are selfless.  There is always a catch.  Not that I am not willing to help people out for no reason, but I would appreciate the same kindness from time to time myself.  In all of my years of not living at home with my parents I think that this is the lowest I have ever felt.  Mostly because there is a child involved.  I use to hate holidays as a teen because that is just what teenagers do, now I hate them because it breaks my heart no to be able to give my daughter everything that I want her to have.  People say, "Well you give her a roof over her head, food in her mouth and clothes on her back.  That is all she needs other than your love." Well I guess it would be a bitter response if I said, "We are lucky to know by the first of the month if she will REALLY have a roof over her head, the only reason she has food in her mouth is because the government assists us, she barely has any warm clothes and we are so fucking poor and concerned with rent and bills that we cant even afford to buy her clothes from Goodwill." 

Instead I just smile and assure myself that where there is a will, there is a way.

Fuck this. Fuck that. Fuck them. Fuck off.

FUUUUUUCK!  I feel like I don't know ANYTHING these days.  There is far too much bullshit going on and I just don't have the time or patience to try to figure out what is what.  One lesson learned, even if you think you are doing the right thing, you aren't.  So I hope you packed your largest umbrella because there is about to be a shit storm and you dear are in the brown eye of it.  This is why people get by on doing fucked up shit all the time.  They are FULLY prepared for whatever it is that they are going to get in return.  I am sorry to my friend that got sucked into the drama, please know that I honestly didn't think that things would go down the way that they did.  I made a mistake.  Which is also conflicting to me...am I even the fuckee?  Or the am I the fucker?  I can't act like I am some kind of victim in all of this, granted I thought what I said was harmless and not going anywhere other than who I was saying it to, but I knew that there was a possibility that it could in the back of my mind. 



I just have no idea how I am even suppose to feel...but I can give you a short list of emotions:
Irritated
Sad
Confused
Fucked
Fucked
Fucked

Failing a.k.a. Winning the Special Olympics

Sooo I have given myself plenty of days to gather interesting writing material, and let me just say, it is just that. My interview = Fail.  There is nothing more awesome than showing up 20 minutes early to interview with someone who is 30 minutes late.  Unless your awesome scale ranges higher than mine for having to keep eye contact with someone who looks like they have the eyes of an 80 year old.  Cataracts.  Not to be rude, but they freak me out a little.  According to him, my work history was too spaced out.  Sorry, I had a baby.  I am pretty sure he just went ahead and hired some fresh faced, perky, high school girl with nice tits.  I may just be bitter haha.  Speaking of tits, in my insane attempt to lose weight, I have gone from a 42DDD to a 44F.  What the fuck does that even mean?

"Hi, My name is God and my idea of fun is giving you breasts SO large that running will be impossible.  You're welcome in advance."

In case you lost track of the fail-o-meter:
Interview = Fail
Tits = Fail

Anywho.  I am not the only one failing in the job search department.  Jason hasn't had any luck either.  Things will get where they need to be tho.  I don't believe in staying in ruts for too long. 

Hmm lets see...the cops got called on Jason because he was smoking what looked to be a "joint" according to what ever idiot had a phone handy at the time.  It wasn't really a joint f.y.i. haha it was a hand rolled cigarette, but the poor souls around here don't know any better.


So we have:
Fail job
Fail tits
Fail cops
Fail idiots
Stellar = Free Incubus tickets.

I guess I can't really complain.